Random thoughts or deliberate messages from the universe?

 It's been a while. Almost two years! So much has happened in these two years. Or maybe not. 

Let me begin with things of the last year. There had been a pull towards exploring the higher realms of life, the higher self, knowing the self and the Self. Let me confess, I still am figuring things out. However, in this quest, I was attracted to the devotion that Krishna Das brewed within me with his songs. Devotion to the divinity , to the ultimate energy! I remember this one time, when in one of my rooms which I called the creative space, having no beds in there, only a mattress on the floor, I lay open my yoga mat, sitting there and would listen to his songs, while my parents would sit in another and watch news. There was a time when I played this one song again and again. Sitting in a slightly darkened room, on the yoga mat, and trying to focus on the lyrics, I realized tears started streaming down my cheeks. For me, Krishna Das' songs have that power to explore one's inner self or the higher self. I was amazed and delighted to know that something of this sort could happen to me. I would listen to this song every day almost, even while I would go for a walk . The song sometimes would play in my head randomly. 

Those were the days, when out of the blue one day, I felt or rather this thought presented itself to me. So during those days, I would feel that every thing in my life was running smooth. And one day, another thought presented itself which told me that " as I was accepting the good days of life, I would have to accept even the bad ones." Well, I would not like to call them bad but rather slightly uncomfortable ones. I penned it down, the thought, in my diary. 

Then, it so happened that I had another random thought which was about practicing giving away things that were dear to me. I think which was supposed to teach me accepting the "Impermanence" of things, circumstances or people in our lives. I also looked at it as practicing detachment. The idea was to offer someone something that I loved. It so happened that a friend of mine was visiting me and I thought why not begin with extremely small step in this direction of practicing detachment. When she was leaving from my place, I opened my earrings box to her and asked her to choose any ear ring that she would want to take for herself. She took one and left. It did not hurt as I had accepted the fact that she would take any one of those. It was all about acceptance. 

Immediately after , an episode of extreme emotional upheaval took place in my life and I connected the dots. I later thought to myself that these were not random thoughts. They were deliberate. The universe was telling me about what was to come next. And it came. And, I had never ever been so badly impacted emotionally, not even then when I had a heart break. This was something else. This was the onward journey of my father who left us all last summer. 

 The last time, in a very long time, 

I was filled with awe, 

was when I witnessed

pure joy.

The innocent cry 

of a four years old 

calling out 'Mumma',

as the mother stepped out of the cab, 

a reunion after 4 months.

The bright, wide smile of the little one,

grew wider as she caught a glimpse of the taxi,

approaching her,

the smile that reached her overwhelmingly moist eyes,

finally, the butterflies in the stomach were put to rest

as she embraced her mother after months .

Last night

the clouds poured their heart out

Each drop 

that kissed the Earth,

had its own story to tell.

If only we were ready to listen...

Saal Do Hazaar Ekees !

 Raat, gehri , kaali,

andhere ki kar rahi ghulami. 

Thak haar kar baithe hum,

dhoonde subah ki nishaani. 

Stories from 2021

Ask any family!

Frightening or gentle,

each would have it's own story to share,

no one was spared.

It was the year 2021.

Untimely

It was the year 2021,

when gasping for Breath,

we breathed our last,

so many of us,

left Untimely...

Qui suis-je ?

 Suis-je un reflet

de toutes mes pensées,

de toutes perceptions

qu'on a de moi,

d'attentes que 

tout le monde a?

Suis-je un reflet

de tout le travail

que je fais,

de toute créativité

qui demeure chez moi,

des reves qui

s'abritent dans ma tete?

Suis je

mon esprit,

mon corps,

mes sensations,

mon coeur?

Qui suis- je?

#reflexions #lapoesiefrancaise #jesuis #quisuisje #

Transition

In the book of my life, 

you are engraved as 

2020.

In the dark,
don't be afraid,
reach out for my hand,
you may not be able to touch it
but move a little ahead,
gradually and eventually
you come towards the light,
Do you even need my hand, now ?
You needed it not at all,

not even in the beginning. 
What you needed 

is within you.

Spirit from the past

 

Of the experiences from the past, 

I shall revive the indomitable spirit of the explorer;

Of those from moving ahead, 

I cherish the wisdom that came about with time

Illusory world

 We set out on our own path

laid in front of us;

making choices, 

facing consequences, 

falsely taking others as partners or allies,

forgetting that it's one's own journey :

one treads alone. 

Illusion is what we live in,

illusion of having friends and family

who support, love and care;

One is alone, 

in one's endeavors, 

one's reactions, 

one's responses,

one's journey.

Enlightened are those 

who have freed themselves of the illusion

that is this world!

Vacation ? Not such a vacation

This period of Corona has been that of revelation to all of us. We have had all sorts of individual, collective moments of epiphany. We realize our wrongdoings, the problems that our current system of being is and we are also focusing on solutions (I hope we are). I am not going to deal with the collective consciousness that has developed within us but rather I will focus on the personal journey here.

It all began with the Lockdown. Schools were closed. All public spaces got closed. Initially, it looked like it was a vacation. Everyone (those who had the privilege) started looking for means to keep oneself motivated during the day. So some picked up cooking as a hobby(well this one was more of an imposed hobby), some picked up painting, sketching, some started taking online courses and so on. Everything literally went online. Classes also began happening online.

While the classes were going on, it gave all of us a motivation to look forward to the week. I say "all of us" because I heard one of my students express the same. It was exactly how teachers and students felt. Right now it is Summer Break for me. It usually is a time where I look forward to my time. The time that can be used for things that I like doing.

Honestly, this was my ideal situation. The one where I was on my own, reading, writing, singing, listening to music, after all creating moments, stories, memories... But when the ideal becomes a reality, does it remain equally fascinating? I am getting my answers these days.

What I have realized about myself is that there is an initial state of panic or let me say anxiety when the ideal or the abstract notion that lays in the head comes face to face. But later on, when I would have endured this anxiety and overcome it, I become calmer and it is easier to carry on.

The reality is for us to manage. It is our attitude towards it that determines what course it will take. However, this may sound easy . It isn't. Because the mind has its own way of working. At one instance I feel differently about a situation, on the other, my feelings makes a 180 degrees shift. What am I suppose to do then?

Coming back to the subject, this is my vacation time. Initially, I had decided to take a flight back home to be with my parents. My flight got cancelled and then I changed my mind. I think I am doing well. But on certain moments, I doubt the decision. But then, I start thinking about how I comfortable I am here in my place right now. The only thing missing , that I sometimes feel is the missing company. But then these moments pass. And I get back to normal. (Well what is normal !)


I am just blabbering it seems. I have been maintaining journals these days. (It isn't new for me )
So there is a gratitude journal ( one day, I didn't know what was I grateful for) , there is this daily journal where I write what all was done during the day, then there is one for setting the tone of the day..


So here I am on a Sunday morning, I got this idea, that I will register whatever I feel on my blog..
Let's see if I can pursue this challenge.

So today I felt a bit motivated. I did  Surya Namaskar and some basic exercises (which I havent been doing), I had lemon tea, had breakfast, chatted with a friend, then with family ( oh it felt so good, we were having a discussion on the current state of affairs , oh how I miss my childhood where my parents would come to our room to wake us up on a Sunday morning but would sit and we would chat ...what good times we had during those days.... Omg, I miss those days...  )

I have realized "Stream of consciousness" is my narrative technique.. :)

This is what my vacation is like !!!

Chaos

What the world saw
was a happy, peaceful, driven face.
What lay behind
was an upsurge of tidal chaos.

The Invisibles

Brick by brick,
laid by us,
make your comfortable dwellings.

Concrete and cement
laid by us,
ensure your swift movements.

Neither are we comfortable
nor are our movements swift,
We are the Invisibles.
so, we have always been.

Gender bias

When I started reading the Bhagwad Gita*, I realized the text was meant only for men. Here was a text  which I was looking forward to, which dealt with uplifting the human experience with some insight into how to live in this web of suffering on the earth. However, a few pages into it, I got to know that the text's protagonist was a 'man' and not an individual in general. While I read this one sentence where the author has interpreted it as "man should avoid company of women...'(if my memory serves me right), I thought since time immemorial, we the women have been invisible to this other half. It is like we do not exist. Or if we do, we are like satellites in Men's orbits.

We are now in the 21st century, an era of advancements in technology, human faculties and yet, the society ( a major chunk of it) denies the presence of the woman. In this, not only are we doing injustice to women but also to men by creating/ promoting a false sense of supremacy amongst them. This is what we have been propagating generations after generations and the result is that even in this century we have men, young boys who believe, the power lies with them. They are the Sun and everything else revolves around them, women included. Women are but an object of gratification, invisible, powerless, relegated to a second grade citizenship.

However, when women, who are as equal as their male counterparts in all regards, start reclaiming their spaces in all spheres, a sense of insecurity develops in some of these men who blindly believe in their might. The fallacy of being all powerful then comes crumbling down and they do not know how to deal with it. They more often than not do  resort to defining their power through showcasing their physical strength or calling names or simply denigrating the woman. This is where we as a society have faltered. As a society, this becomes our collective failure. We let these men remain in their bubble of falsehood.

In this bubble, they are made to believe that each gender has fixed roles in the society. Some work are only the domain of women like taking care of the household and men would only be the earning member of the family. Of course things have changed in the current era, but it is undeniable that due to strong conditioning from the society, most men do believe in such categorizations. In fact, not only men, but some women also put faith in this division. All in the name of tradition and society's unfair biasness towards men. ( Not to forget that the rules were set by men )

Men also face the disadvantages of social conditioning where they are almost denied the right to express their feelings due to societal pressure; in case they do, it may make them appear weak in front of all. And how can the all mighty ever be rendered weak ! They need to put up an act lest they may be relegated to the second grade citizenship.

The biasness is so deeply rooted in our society that even centuries later we haven't been able to overcome them. In fact, I feel sometimes as and when we progress in time, majority of us are getting regressive and are holding these traditions/customs/rituals as strongly as ever. How are then we supposed to make advancements in terms of human condition?

While reading about the gendered languages and the biases that are against women even in the language that we use, I came across a feminised/gender neutral version of Bible. This then took me back to my reading of Bhagwad Gita and its male centric narrative. However, I think if Bhagwad Gita is not yet rewritten in feminised or gender neutral terms (which I am sure, someone would have definitely worked upon), I know what could be my next task.


* I had taken up reading the English version of Bhagwad Gita.

"What is it between us?'
A simple question,
yet evokes emotions of a lifetime. 

Loving someone
or the idea of him?

Loving fiercely,
yet subtly ?

What is this idea of love ?

Spirit soars high to the sky,
then takes a plunge
reaching the depths of oceans.

Thoughts bubble constantly,
then cool down suddenly,
numbing the expanse of the mind.

Erratic, astray,
Do I still like it this way?

Always exalting solitude,
finding solace in emotions than reason,
moved deeply by Nature,
am I born in the wrong era?
Or am I one of the chosen ones
to keep the Romantic flame alive?

A conception in the womb
is the beginning of it all.
Consuming through out the span
we transcend to various stages of life,
still taking in so much from the Nature,
and when the time comes calling,
we need to pay through our body,
it was never ours,
a loan from the Nature,
we pay through our body.
A journey towards
the union with the Supreme Nature.

Question in my mind still lingers,
why do we get conceived at all ?